It is officially that time of the year. No, not the time to talk about your new years resolutions and upcoming plans for 2024. I am reflecting a bit deeper here, shocker right? It is the time of year that we take a breath and return to the routine of work, school, and other obligations. The holiday season has passed, and much to the sadness of my 4 year old, we have even taken down the holiday decorations in the home. I welcome fresh change and try to always make a “thing” out of it. Having kids holds me accountable to creating little pockets of joy and fun even when the magic of Christmas is gone.
As a therapist, this is an interesting time of year to be working. A lot of us show up to sessions exhausted. We are happy we made it through the holiday season but for many of us the heart ache of family separations and estrangements continue even though we are no longer met with pressure to have to be around family. I find myself affirming many individuals in staying consistent in their boundaries with family members who have been toxic for them or even abusive. When we are younger, we do not have much of a choice when it comes to time spent with these individuals. However, we learn as we get older the most significant thing that is our own is our time and that we get to decide who gets it. No one is entitled to your presence. Drawing a physical boundary and limiting communication and time with someone in your life like this is not easy. To get to a point in your life when you act on your best interests even though you may not feel like your best, is a significant check point. I celebrate and grieve with clients at this phase. Why grieve? Because even in the “best scenario”, when you know the right thing for your wellness is to have a boundary with this person, it can still be very painful. On top of that, this individual may still be just as present even though they are physically not. Mentally, it is a whole new process to implement and manage a personal boundary. As a therapist, I see a new shift in grieving once we finally do implement a physical boundary. It is almost as if the less time I spend with my abuser, the more emotions can emerge to work through. I fall back on the idea of safety. It is getting increasingly safer to live in a world in which I am not constantly seeing or speaking to my abuser. A new challenge that presents is that if we are not careful then we can spend a significant amount of time dwelling on the individual versus moving forward. It is one thing to reflect on the experience and relationship and grieve and another to feel more consumed by it now that they are physically out of our life. I refer to this experience as the person living “rent free” in our heads.
Let’s make this clear: it is very normal to have someone, even an unhealthy someone, take up space and live “rent free” in our heads. It is understandable for the brain and nervous system to need a moment to learn regulation without them physically with us. When a loved one passes away, it is not uncommon to even feel like you can still hear or even see your loved one at times. This does not qualify as a hallucination and actually it is against code of ethics and regulation for clinicians to diagnose any type of disorder until 6 months after a significant loss. We know the brain and body need time to regulate again. This is no different than if you are laying this person to rest figuratively speaking.
You are not without hope if you have found yourself experiencing this challenge on maintaining a mental boundary after being successful in the physical one. Here are a few tips on ways to manage coping with having someone living “rent free” in your head:
Identify and accept: I will be honest with you. Just because you decide to cease communication with a past abuser or toxic individual does not mean you will not miss some aspects of the relationship. Whether it was healthy or not, it is normal and okay to feel sad that some features of the relationship will not persist. Identify this and practice accepting these parts of you as understandable versus judging them.
Visualize it: Expressive therapy can be very helpful, especially in trauma processing and healing. One project you can do in and out of the therapy office is to visualize this person living rent free in your head. Feel free to get crafty with is and even sketch it out. Visualizing a tiny person “couch surfing” deep in your left hemisphere sounds weird but can be freeing when I imagine a large hand picking up this small person and “kicking them out”. Listen the economy is too bad to let ANYONE live in your space rent free, let alone this person. Be prepared, this mentalization exercise may need to take place several times
Instead of focusing on isolating or replacing, invest it you: Oftentimes when we cut off one significant relationship, we can either jump into a replacement for that said person or isolate all together. Both behaviors can be ineffective and challenging. Instead of getting swept into one extreme, choose yourself. Invest in the parts of you that are needing attention and care. Sign up for that pottery class you have been thinking about or jump into that pickle ball crazy everyone keeps mentioning. Whatever it is, make it about you and your wellness. You deserved it then, and most certainly do now.