Everyone experiences insecurity. It’s part of our shared humanity. But, in its most severe state, it can weigh on a person immensely. The question then becomes how do you address it effectively? It’s not like it’s a light switch that can be turned off on a whim. One of the key steps to making a change is gaining awareness, and insecurity is no different. So, after highlighting a few root causes, I’ll break down one of the most significant sustaining factors. As we continue to build awareness, we will have more direction, confidence, and assurance on how to break free from insecurity and live life to the fullest!
While I will spend most of this blog honed in on one contributing factor, the fact of the matter is that many different elements of life can contribute to insecurity. One such example of this is an invalidating support system. If you grew up around someone who constantly questioned your ability to do something, or challenged your feelings, it stands to reason that internalizing those words would generate those same questions throughout life. Likewise, if you experienced trauma, you may doubt your capability to achieve, protect, or measure up. These experiences impact our evaluation of self in such a way that downplaying/minimizing can become second nature. And, in both of the aforementioned examples, that is not your fault. While you don’t have to sit in shame as a result, acknowledging the impact of prior experiences allows us to respond effectively.
Just as circumstances from our past can fuel insecurity, our expectations can also influence how secure we feel. A great example of this is perfectionism. When our basis of self-esteem is founded on how we perform, unrealistic standards will inevitably limit our satisfaction. Ironically enough, many individuals turn to perfectionism as a vehicle to deliver them from their insecurities. It can often feel as though if we can DO enough, we will BE enough. However, there's a reason that “nobody’s perfect” has become a cliche. It’s because it’s true! And if the way to “solve” insecurity is to be perfect, then the solution doesn’t really exist.
These examples bring us to the main factor of this writing: focusing on the wrong thing. As I’ve stated before, insecurity is complicated, and it cannot just be eliminated by a quick choice. However, our focus has so much influence on our relationship with insecurity. Our natural wiring in conjunction with our environment has conditioned us to train our focus in places that foster greater insecurity. These include focusing on other people’s presentation, other people’s perception, and on outcomes.
It’s completely natural to look to other people and make assessments. However, our brain often attempts to use that assessment as a measure for ourselves. This becomes an even bigger issue when we realize our assessment is based on significantly less information than we have about ourselves! Our instinct to compare is exacerbated by the context we live in. One example of this is social media. Social media offers us a glimpse into the lives of others. But, in reality, it’s really showing us a fabricated version of that person, only highlighting what they want us to see. In addition to seeing the highlight of your coworker’s Summer, or your friend’s 500th attempt at a selfie, or a modified image from a celebrity, you’re also being deprived of another piece of critical information: context. Social media thrives on us consuming picture after picture, video after video, and statement after statement of countless people in countless contexts. Basing self-esteem off of how we stack up against others is already a losing game, since we can always find someone better at something than us. But when we start to throw out the context that each individual is a different person in a different place in life, we doom ourselves to chronic insecurity.
One of the main reasons that we look to others in the first place is because we are social creatures. We are each designed to belong to community, and foster relationships with others. However this instinct doesn’t just drive us compare ourselves to others, it motivates us to view ourselves through their eyes as well. I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t care how we come across to others or if that hurting someone else’s feelings is a “them problem.” I AM saying that when we base our self-esteem off of what we presume others to see in us, we have no basis of control or truth. We cannot always know what others think of us, nor can we decide that for them. We can do our best to play the guessing game, but that leaves us with more questions than answers, more stress than rest, and more insecurity than peace. Our relationships matter, and we value the opinions of those closest to us. But when our measure for ourselves is the opinion of others, we are once again bound to insecurity.
Thirdly, we cannot merely shift our attention from others to ourselves. Oftentimes, we can make the faulty assumption that considering our performance is looking inwards. But, the truth of the matter is, we don’t control outcomes. Take a moment and think of an instance in which you accomplished something. The truth is, you did not control that outcome. Your hard work put you in a position to succeed, you took care of as many variables as possible, but even if we plant a seed and water it, our influence is not what decides if a plant ultimately grows or not. That may sound harsh or discouraging, but don’t mishear me: we still have agency, and influence, and make an impact. However, our sphere of influence lies in our actions, our responses, and our contributions. Therefore, it is important to shift our perspective from the outcomes of situations and focus instead on our process. That is what allows us to sustain our self-esteem even if we did not accomplish what we set out to do, because we can say that we did our best to get there. Continue to dream big, and push yourself, and grow. But when you accomplish something, don’t be proud of the outcome, be proud of your process.
So, with our new found knowledge of insecurity and some of its many causes, what’s next? In part two of this blog, I will explore some of the different ways to address insecurity effectively. But, I want to include some actionable wisdom and hope for how to cultivate security based on what you’ve already read. Once again, we do not make one decision to completely change our focus. But, we can begin to make a consistent effort to retrain that focus. Instead of basing our value off of other people or their view of us, we start looking inwards. Instead of taking ownership of every outcome, we reflect intentionally on what we contributed and how we could (or could not have) done any more. The goal is not to isolate, nor to measure that which is outside our control. We are not striving to be blindly reassured by the people around us, nor be consistently rejected by them. We are working on accepting who we are, continuing to grow, and protecting our peace on this journey we call life. As we begin to reframe our view, we find security.
Be on the lookout for Part 2!
Jackson Van Meter
