If your year has been anything like ours, I was SHOCKED to see that it was already DECEMBER! By the time I noticed, Mariah Carey had officially defrosted, trees and wreaths were all over the store fronts, and children began sending their Christmas lists with a vengeance. To all the gift buyers-Anyone miss the days when the gifts were something we understood?
Anyways-I began to sit back and reflect on what this time of year may mean to different types of people. For some, they love Christmas! It is a time of family, fun, and gifts galore. Sprinkled in, we have some who may not celebrate the holiday due to various beliefs, and others due to grief. In thinking of this, I began to think about a few sessions I have had around holidays, in which the clients experienced anxiety, anger, confusion, and at times, dissociation. In sessions, I tend to remind clients that two things can be true at one time. For example, we can enjoy the fun holiday movies and yummy food that come out during this time of year, but also wonder why we cannot fully enjoy or avoid celebrative gatherings with other people.
Grief is an interest concept. There is not one “correct” way to experience grief. A lot of people describe grief as a wave. Mainly because a lot of people experience waves of emotions. One moment, someone may avoid how they feel but the next, they are singing along to one of Taylor Swifts break up songs on repeat. Eventually, there is a point where someone will reach acceptance. I do want to point out here that acceptance may come in waves as well. When you accept grief, this does not mean that you are completely and utterly okay with what you experienced. It mainly means that you have come to terms with the reality of the situation and continue to validate your feelings.
To those who are experienced in helping others through grief, those who feel very uncomfortable in these situations, or those who are going through grief themselves, I wanted to highlight a few points that I feel would be helpful during this time.
1. This is no easy process!
2. It is okay to not know what to do!
3. There is no way to “fix” anything. Embrace the uncomfortable.
4. Follow through: If you say you are going to do something, do it!
5. Avoid the typical cliques-they just need your presence or a listening ear.
6. Be present and honest.
7. Stay away from comparison as this is their own experience.
8. Validate their feelings.
9. Listen to them without judgement.
10. Give them space if needed.
11. Stay away from advice giving unless asked.
12. Offer to help them with basic tasks.
13. Be careful not to dismiss or invalidate their experience.
14. Be encouraging, but also understand that it may not be received until the other person is ready to receive it.
15. Thank them for inviting you into their vulnerable state.
16. Take care of your feelings and emotions-this can be hard on you as well.
17. Offer support referrals if you feel that the person needs therapeutic support.
18. Do not overstep boundaries. Again, let them come to you. It is okay to check in but remember to give them space.
19. Avoid commenting on things that people cannot change in two to three minutes. They are most likely doing the best they can.
20. Humor (can be) the best elixir! Sometimes, a good laugh can be a healthy distraction. Allow it!
REMINDER: WE ARE NOT PERFECT AND THAT IS OKAY! Grief is uncomfortable and sometimes all we can do is listen. If you do make a “wrong move” take a step back and reflect. Ask them what they need. If they do not know, maybe they need space. Allow space for them to have emotions. When you are on your own, use that time to take care of you. We are doing the best we can. If you, or a loved one needs further support, feel free to contact me for counseling at eliza@pacificacounseling.org. You do not have to grieve alone.
