Everyone’s Different... Sort of

While I am still in the beginning stages of my career, I have noticed different trends in different seasons. For example, early on I had to emphasize individual differences with many clients. Ideas about everyone having the same experiences in life, or that counseling consists of a “one-size-fits-all" approach permeated the mentalities of many initial clients.

More recently, however, I have been confronted with more and more cases of “terminal uniqueness.” While I will explain this concept in greater detail later on, it can be summarized with statements such as “I am the exception,” and “that might work for others, but not me.” So, how is it possible that two opposing perspectives can both be so pronounced in the therapy room? And more importantly, which perspective is right? Are we unique, or not? Like most topics that I have been fortunate enough to write about, the emphasis here should not center on unique or not, but instead, finding a balance between the two views. On one end of the spectrum, we have viewing ourselves in comparison to others. This act of comparison is completely natural to us. It’s ingrained in our brain, and reinforced by society around us. Because of that, it is extremely hard to avoid altogether. While the goal to never compare ourselves to others is impractical, it is important to note the negative consequences of this pattern.  

First, it results in low self-esteem. This is very apparent in the example of social media. When we look at what other people are posting as a measuring stick for our lives, it is very rare that we find ourselves feeling encouraged or satisfied. One of the biggest reasons behind this dissatisfaction, is that social media centers around carefully curated representations, rather than genuine lived experience. It would be absurd to feel comforted about everyday struggles if the only lens you viewed them through was the highlights of everyone else’s week.  

Extending out past social media, this excessive comparison also results in an inaccurate perspective. We often greatly overestimate how aware we are of the internal experiences of others. While it may seem that everyone around us is constantly in a state of bliss, the truth is we cannot know how everyone else is doing 100% of the time. When we base how we think we should feel on our guesses about the experiences of others, we are not grounded in reality.  

Comparison also creates what I will affectionately refer to as the “round peg, square hole problem.” While I support the impact of learning from others, if we treat our situations, challenges, and goals as one-to-one copies of those belonging to the people around us, we inevitably find situations that we cannot solve. We are not exact replicas of the people around us, and therefore the problems we face and their corresponding solutions cannot be either. Turning a blind eye to that fact only results in frustration and hopelessness.  

By the same token, if we strip our adversity of its uniqueness, we can tend to invalidate the challenges we face. Our internal messaging often responds to seeing other people overcome challenges by accusing us of being broken or faulty for being unable to do the same. Your path does not mirror someone else’s absolutely. When you succeed quicker or fail more often, it is not always a reflection of your competence or inadequacy.  Choosing to acknowledge one’s own individuality offers us a healthier, more accurate perspective. It gives us a chance to appreciate aspects of ourselves, and consider our personal striving and growth rather than what we assume of others. And, it offers us the freedom to travel on a path that is uniquely suited to our strengths and values.  

While I hope that the previous section clarified just how important it is to acknowledge our individuality, we also face obstacles when the pendulum swings too far in the opposite direction. At this point on the spectrum, we are prone to experiencing “terminal uniqueness.” The ironic thing about this phenomenon, is that it is not unique at all! In fact, many people experience this view of themselves. The version of terminal uniqueness that I am referring to centers on the rejection of common humanity, resulting in the belief that we are the exception to the rule. Like extreme comparison, this can manifest in a myriad of pitfalls.  

One common struggle is thinking that has been proven to benefit others, will not be enough to help you. This can reach a point where someone might even acknowledge the effectiveness of a supportive resource (therapy, for example), while simultaneously believing that won’t be of any use to them. This idea that someone is too broken, too far gone, too different, breeds feelings of hopelessness. When someone thinks change isn’t possible, it can prevent them from pursuing it in the first place.  

Other times, someone may believe that they have the ability to heal or grow, but do not believe that they deserve it. Something I’m sure most people will have experienced is being significantly harder on oneself when making a mistake compared to when a loved one makes that same blunder. Oftentimes, individuals who view themselves in this light actually feel deep empathy for others, and happily extend grace to those around them. However, it can feel off limits to offer that same patience and compassion to oneself.  

One final example of how terminal uniqueness can impact us is through feelings and behaviors of isolation. If we view our struggles and shortcomings in the light that nobody else can understand them, we begin to feel more alone. And, the more we sit in that belief, the more prone we are to avoiding meaningful relationships or healthy vulnerability with others. This cycle results in us pulling away from those around us, and feeling even more alone as a result. 

Clearly terminal uniqueness results in greater feelings of being stuck and hopeless. And while over-identifying with or constantly comparing ourselves to others is unhealthy, there is a middle ground. We can maintain the view that we are unique while acknowledging common humanity. Responding to the previously mentioned consequences of terminal uniqueness it may look like this: 

• Instead of saying that may work for others but not for me: What has been proven to work for others can benefit me- even if I have to tailor it to my specific needs and goals. 

• Instead of assuming that nobody else understands your experience: While my circumstances are different than other people’s, underlying aspects such as different emotions, pain, uncertainty, etc. are part of the human experience.  

• Instead of devaluing and disqualifying yourself: Everyone has inherent worth and value. We all deserve to experience love and healing.  

  
  

Each of these statements provide space for individual differences, while encouraging us. When we can hold both our individuality and common humanity, we are able to experience more hope, compassion, and connection.  

Ultimately, something that is not unique is our tendency as humans to overemphasize either uniqueness or sameness. In order to have a healthy, accurate and effective perspective, we have to find balance between these two extremes. We are united by our humanity, from our common emotional experiences to our biology and capacity for resilience. AND, everyone’s story, path, and values are different. It takes time, and you shouldn’t expect to be perfect- but you can both acknowledge your uniqueness and be comforted by the universality of the human experience.  

Jackson Van Meter