“How can a man of consciousness have the slightest respect for himself?”
This is the question posed by the famous Russian Novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Underground Man in Notes from Underground. This quote highlights the dichotomy of profound self-awareness, which demonstrates to us both our capacity for goodness and our many weaknesses. In the example of the Underground Man, he becomes paralyzed by his introspection, recognizing who he ought to be, but also his inability to be that person. Like Dostoevsky almost 200 years ago, many men are wrestling with questions of self-respect, self-esteem, and self-worth. The statistics are alarming.
Historically, men have been less likely to seek mental health treatment, have commonly been misdiagnosed, and have often been misunderstood by the medical profession (Möller-Leimkühler, 2002). Men are diagnosed with depression and anxiety about half as often as women, which is likely due to underreporting, as suicide rates are significantly higher in men than in women (Wagner & Reifegerste, 2024). In the United States, men complete suicide at four times the rate of women (CDC, 2022). 60% of men who complete suicide accessed mental health care within a year of their death (Oliffe et al., 2020). Men commonly cope with challenging thoughts and emotions by numbing, avoiding, or escaping, which can lead to self-harm, suicide, aggression, or violence (Brownhill et al., 2005).
The struggle of Dostoevsky’s Underground Man is not confined to the 19th century. Even a simple glance at the headlines in a quick search of the term “men” reveals this– The first result reads, “The state of American men is — not so good,” while four of the top seven results are news articles about men committing violent crimes. Our present culture has become proficient at demonstrating the many ways men are falling short. Is this to say that the culture is wrong in exposing the wrongs of men? Certainly not. However, the culture has also failed to offer a clear path forward for men. Men are being confronted with the shortcomings of their gender without any clarity on what healthy masculinity looks like, what growth looks like, or any redemptory path. For many men, the only clear path forward becomes disengagement, defensiveness, or despair. When there is no roadmap for getting better, many simply stop trying.
The critique of masculinity has, in many circles, warped into an extreme. No longer is the conversation focused on the harmful actions of men, but has instead shifted toward a questioning of manhood itself. Traits commonly associated with masculinity, such as competitiveness, aggression, and assertiveness, are discussed less and less as neutral qualities, but instead as inherently negative ones. Male aggression, for example, is over-simplified and frequently used to suggest a lack of intelligence, a regressive human state, or a moral flaw, while examples of its role in fuelling perseverance, protecting others, and driving healthy ambition have become rare in the media.
The failure to distinguish between the unhealthy expression of masculinity and masculinity itself creates a dangerous message that men should suppress their masculine traits. When natural inclinations are treated as moral defects, toxic masculinity is not eliminated, but instead, the societal result is increased rates of male addiction, violence, and self-destruction (Brownhill et al., 2005). Misdirected energy rarely disappears quietly. Instead of suppression, modern masculinity needs direction.
When masculinity and tendencies associated with masculinity are treated as neutral concepts, then we as a society can start emphasizing positive expressions of masculinity. When aggression, assertiveness, and competitiveness are seen as tools for building rather than weapons for destruction, the focus turns to how men can use these traits to strengthen, not harm, those around them. If we encourage clear models of positive masculinity—models rooted in building, protecting, and contributing—the result is a stronger, healthier society for all. Lasting progress is never born from shame, but from empowering individuals to grow.
What, then, does positive masculinity look like? It looks like strength used not to dominate, but to protect. Assertiveness used not to bully, but to advocate. Competitiveness used not to beat others down, but to better oneself. It looks like servant-leadership and emotional discipline secure enough to make space for vulnerability. It looks like fathers, mentors, and teachers who admit their faults and share their triumphs. Like more stories in movies and shows that highlight honorable, healthy masculinity. Like classrooms that teach boys emotional literacy without stripping away their natural tendencies. It looks like men who overcome the stigma of therapy, express their emotions without shame, and recognize that growth is a lifelong pursuit. If we want men to embody these qualities, it takes more than criticism—it requires guidance, encouragement, and examples worth following.
Dostoevsky’s Underground Man became paralyzed by his failure, and ultimately, his suppression only results in further hurt to himself and others. But his story doesn’t have to be the story of the modern man. The path forward is not surrounded by shame or suppression, and it will not come by demonizing masculinity. No, the path forward only comes when we remember that masculinity, when endowed with integrity and inspired by the love of others, can be a force for good. It’s time we gave men more than criticism—it’s time we gave them a roadmap.
References
Brownhill, S., Wilhelm, K., Barclay, L., & Schmied, V. (2005). ‘Big Build’: Hidden Depression
in Men. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 39(10), 921–931. https://doi.org/10.1080/j.1440-1614.2005.01665.x
Dostoevsky, F. (2004). Notes from underground. (R. Pevear & L. Volokhonsky, Trans.). Alfred
A. Knopf.
Möller-Leimkühler, A. M. (2002). Barriers to help-seeking by men: A review of sociocultural
and clinical literature with particular reference to depression. Journal of Affective Disorders, 71(1–3), 1–9. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0165-0327(01)00379-2
Oliffe, J. L., Broom, A., Rossnagel, E., Kelly, M. T., Affleck, W., & Rice, S. M. (2020).
Help-seeking prior to male suicide: Bereaved men perspectives. Social Science & Medicine (1982), 261, 113173. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2020.113173
Suicide—National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). (n.d.). Retrieved June 3, 2025, from
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide
Wagner, A. J. M., & Reifegerste, D. (2024a). Real men don’t talk? Relationships among
depressiveness, loneliness, conformity to masculine norms, and male non-disclosure of mental distress. SSM - Mental Health, 5, 100296. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssmmh.2024.100296
WISQARS Leading Causes of Death Visualization Tool. (n.d.). Centers for Disease Control and
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