This is the second blog of a two-part series that I’m writing on insecurity. The first blog centered on some of the contributing factors to insecurity, and mainly explored our tendency to train our focus on the “wrong things.” If you haven’t read that one yet, make sure to give it a look and come back to this one! This blog builds off of the last by highlighting some additional ways to address insecurity in order to achieve growth and healing. Just to recap the end of the last blog, one of the ways we begin to address insecurity is to retrain our focus, and to practice acceptance.
Before I learned about DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), I would have been confused about what good acceptance truly does in situations where we desire change. However, I’ve learned that accepting reality does not mean approving of or even liking it. A great example I’ve heard is how in order to change a tire well, you have to accept that the tire you’re replacing is flat. Whether you like it or not, choosing to accept the truth of that is the only way to move towards changing it. So, to accept our relationship with insecurity, we need to be mindful of it, and practice nonjudgement while doing so. This is what allows for us to begin the process of change. At that point, we can begin to accept reality, shift our focus from outcomes to our process, and reflect on ourselves rather than what other people are doing or thinking.
Once that foundation is formed, we have three ways to address insecurity effectively. The first pathway to do so is to be direct. That involves us directly confronting our faulty beliefs/cognitive distortions, in addition to engaging in activities that we find intimidating. As a therapist, I work with many people on how to cultivate coping skills. One such skill is being able to engage in healthy distractions. Examples like this are useful and have a place, but we have to leverage them the right way. If you view healthy distractions as a timeout in the middle of a sporting event, and anticipate coming back to the issue at hand once you’ve grounded, comforted, or prepared yourself, then it can be effective. However, if we treat distractions as if the game or match is over, then we run into issues. If we choose not to address areas of our life that make us feel anxious or insecure, then we are inadvertently telling our brains that our initial concerns were valid. This discourages us from putting ourselves out there, trying new things, or being courageous. Addressing the problem is still scary, but that’s what true bravery is- doing something in spite of fear. As we adopt that approach, chances are that we will realize so many of our initial insecurities are not as important, rational, or severe as we made them out to be.
The second pathway is establishing a support network. This may seem counterintuitive, mainly since relying solely on other people’s view of us can contribute to low self-esteem. While we don’t want to buy into the notion that we need other’s approval to validate our worth, it is difficult to shift towards healing without having trusted supports around us. When people that we know and care about offer things like validation, reassurance, and healthy challenges, we are gaining “proof,” to strengthen the claim that we can feel secure in ourselves. I touched on this point in the last blog, but the same reason that we look to other people for our worth is what means that healthy social support is beneficial: we are designed to be in community. The people around us play a big role in our lives, and if they are speaking positivity and truth into it, the impact will be much more helpful than the alternative. I know this step can be difficult, and many people who struggle with more severe insecurity are in that position because of the lack of social support around them. No matter where you find yourself, there is a path forward for you. Try to find a family member, friend, mentor, or therapist who values you and is willing to be there for you. And, if nothing else, be that person to yourself.
The previous thought perfectly sets up pathway number 3: cultivating self-compassion. This step may be the hardest out of all of them, and could certainly be the subject of its own blog. Speaking from personal experience, it can be so easy for me to extend understanding/compassion to a friend, only to beat myself up for the very same mistake. Despite it being challenging, cultivating self-compassion helps us to reduce insecurity and increase our potential for growth. In the same way that we are encouraged to be kind, patient, and loving to others, implementing those tenants personally will have a major impact. Dr. Kristin Neff is one of the foremost scholars in this area, and I would encourage you to review what she has to say about the concept of self-compassion. For this blog, though, I am going to briefly cover a few of its key elements.
One such element is self-kindness. It’s evident to see how that idea connects to self-compassion, but what does self-kindness actually look like in practice? Self-kindness involves showing understanding and care to ourselves, especially when we fail or are hurt. While insecurity fuels our tendency to judge ourselves critically when we fall short, that ultimately just increases our insecurity and keeps us trapped. Being able to conduct self-care, practice patience, and exhibit understanding is a pivotal aspect of self-compassion. Another key piece of self-compassion is the concept of “common humanity.” While I’ve gone over how to shift our perspective from others to ourselves, we cannot use that as an excuse to isolate. Instead, we view our personality, performance, and worth through the lens of shared humanity. We know that we will fall short because everyone falls short. We may be hurt or discouraged at times, but we know that we are not the only person who has felt that way. And just as we offer grace and comfort to others, we can accept grace and comfort ourselves. Lastly, mindfulness is core element of self-compassion. Reality states that we will have hurtful thoughts, intrusive anxiety, and doubts about ourselves. When we are mindful, we strive to be aware of each of those without overidentifying with them or judging ourselves harshly for experiencing them. Mindfulness allows us the ability to find the balance between avoidance and rumination. In short, it helps us to be curious, aware, nonjudgemental, present and at peace. These three pieces help us to understand what true self-compassion looks like.
Each step of this journey, from reframing our view to practicing self-compassion takes time and effort. But it is worth it to see ourselves more accurately, compassionately, and healthily. Addressing insecurity neither means adopting arrogance or complacency. Instead, it means caring for ourselves in ways that allow us to live life to the fullest, increase our peace, and undergo true transformation. You are not alone, you are on the right track, and you are worthy of love.
