Let’s be honest…..marriage isn’t all romantic sunsets and finishing each other’s sentences. It's more like finishing each other's arguments, right? In spite of this, according to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman believes that long-lasting love doesn't require perfectionism or avoiding conflict. It’s about mastering seven key principles that help couples stay connected, even when life (or laundry) gets messy.
Here’s how to make marriage not just work….. but actually thrive!
1. Enhance Your Love Maps
Imagine your partner's mind as a fascinating world, and your job is to explore it! A love map is your understanding of your partner's inner world: their dreams, worries, favorite snacks, and the weird things that make them laugh. The more you know, the stronger your bond becomes.
Try this: Ask your partner, “What’s something exciting (or stressful) on your mind lately?” Then really listen. Curiosity keeps love alive.
2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration
You know that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you remember why you fell in love in the first place? Keep that going. Gottman says happy couples maintain respect and appreciation, even when they’re annoyed.
Pro tip: Catch your partner doing something right?..... then say it out loud! (“Thanks for making coffee,” or “You look ridiculously cute today.”)
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Every day, your partner sends little “bids” for attention….. maybe a funny story, a question, or even just a sigh. When you turn toward those moments instead of brushing them off, you build intimacy and trust.
In action: When they say, “Hey, look at this meme,” don’t just grunt. Lean in and laugh together. Those tiny moments add up to big love.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
Partnership means teamwork. Let your partner’s opinions and feelings shape decisions…..big and small. Gottman’s research shows marriages thrive when both people feel heard and respected.
Remember: It’s not about giving up control. It's about giving each other a voice.
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems
Not every disagreement needs fireworks, sometimes a calm chat does the trick. Gottman suggests using gentle communication. Start soft, stay calm, and don’t keep score.
Example: “Hey, can we figure out the dishes situation?” works way better than “You never clean up!” Trust us, it’s magic.
6. Overcome Gridlock
Arguments won't always be resolved completely, and that's okay. Instead of trying to win, try to understand why your partner feels the way they do. Often, underneath a disagreement, there's often a dream or value.
Goal: Move from frustration to empathy. You don’t have to agree on everything to stay connected. You just have to care enough to listen.
7. Create Shared Meaning
The best marriages are about more than just coexisting, They’re about creating a shared life story. Build traditions, make goals, and create rituals that feel like you.
Ideas: A Friday pizza night, morning coffee on the porch, or a yearly “dream date” to plan the future, these small things make a big emotional impact.
Final Thoughts
Marriage isn’t a destination. It's a lifelong adventure. Gottman’s seven principles remind us that love grows through daily connection, kindness, and curiosity. When you turn toward your partner, listen with heart, and laugh through the chaos, you don’t just make marriage work… you make it wonderful.
So grab your partner, pour some coffee or wine, and start putting these principles into practice. You might just find that your love story is only getting started.
