Like most boys, I craved my father’s praise. After my football and soccer games, I always hoped to hear those four words, “I’m proud of you.” I rarely did, however. He had a particular talent for identifying and sharing all the ways I could still improve. My mom, on the other hand, offered praise after every show, game, performance, or just about any action I took in general. What I so greatly craved from my father became almost meaningless from my mother. I found myself feeling frustrated by the constant praise, although I appreciated her heart behind it. I never quite understood this until I learned about the difference between praise and encouragement.
Praising others fosters extrinsic value, meaning that when we receive constant praise, we begin to measure our value by that praise. Alternatively, encouragement fosters intrinsic value, or internal self-worth, not dependent on the opinion or words of others. For example, research shows that words of encouragement for a 1 to 3-year-old increase the likelihood that they would view challenges positively and something to be overcome through hard work five years later, whereas praise fostered a fixed-trait mindset, or in other words, a view that my strong traits will not fail, ultimately leading to significant losses in self-esteem when mistakes are made (Gunderson et al., 2013). So, what does the difference between encouragement and praise actually sound like?
Praise places the focus on the speaker. For example, when a child shows their parents a block tower that they built, a response like, “That is so big, great job, honey!” is a form of praise, as it communicates a kind of evaluation or judgement, even if positive, from the parent. Some other examples of praise include, “You are so smart!” “That drawing is so pretty!” “You’re a natural!” “You’re so strong!” and even, “I’m proud of you.” Notice how each of these statements emphasizes the person and the outcome. Praise statements are not necessarily bad, but they should be used sparingly and only when the comment is genuine.
Encouragement, conversely, highlights effort, values, and determination. The alternative to the earlier praise, “that is so big, great job, honey!” put in the form of encouragement could be something like, “You put a lot of effort into making it that big, look at what you did!” Note the shift from focusing on the outcome and the person to instead focusing on their effort. Some additional examples of encouragement include, “You really stuck with it, even when it got hard,” “You found a clever way to solve that,” “You’re improving every time you practice,” and “You were really kind to include everyone.” These statements encourage internal motivation and a growth mindset.
Understanding the difference between praise and encouragement goes beyond head knowledge; it is a call to action. I recognize in my own life how many times I have used praise statements like “good job!” because I couldn’t think of other words to use, or because I was unwilling to spend the extra energy doing so. However, by reframing, focusing on effort, values, and resilience, I have noticed not only how my words to others have changed, but also how they have begun to light up in response to those words, not because I noticed them, but because I helped them notice themselves.
So, when a child, a friend, or anyone else shows you something they have done, some progress they have made, some effort they have put forth, or some hurdle they have overcome, take a moment to pause and notice before offering a response. Ask yourself: What did it take for them to get here? What qualities did they show? What growth is visible beneath the surface? Praise may be quicker and even may sound better off the tongue, but encouragement sticks beneath the surface, encouraging true self-belief. In an age so focused on results, encouragement is a soft yet radical way to show deep care for those around you.
